My Mood Calendar

I thought I'd start a blog thread here to track my daily moods and stuff. As some may know I am not complying with the med treatment the docs want me on to try to stabilize my mood swings and related symptoms. I’m very keen to find other ways of coping that don't involve psych meds. I get my share of hassle for this decision and while I appreciate my family and friend's concerns I am still resistant to medicating myself to cope with daily living. I just can't convince myself to give up being me. Especially when I can have periods of time when there are no symptoms requiring medication. On those days I like to know it is me and not some medicated version of me. I’m thinking a daily blog of my moods might give me a better picture of my situation. I guess I could do this on paper instead but my efforts to do that have been less than consistent. Maybe I can do better here. I can appreciate that my decision to not take meds might trigger or even anger some folks so if that is the case than all I would ask is that you avoid reading my blog. I am trying to find my way back to my life.

I've been pretty level for about 10 days now. I'd been in the pit for a couple of weeks before then. What caused the change remains the mystery I keep trying to unfold. Today I feel very tired. I didn't sleep well or for very long. After a few attempts I finally went to sleep at about 5am and was up again at 10am. It was the same the night before. I think it matters the time of sleep. I can function quite well on 4 or 5 hours of sleep if I get it at the right time. Seems if I am up past the 3am point then the sleep I do get is less beneficial. I started trying to sleep at about midnight and was up and down 4 times before I finally fell asleep around 5 am. I know the hours I did get were restless cuz my bedding was all on the floor along with the dog. He only leaves the bed if I'm too restless for him.

I put in about 4 hours of work today. The first couple of hours were good but the last 2 were more trying. I had hoped to put in at least 4 hours in my office and another 4 or 5 in the studio. I've a big design job to do on top of my regular work. I was feeling very drained after only a couple of hours and had to finally give it up because I felt too tired to continue. I wasn't getting much accomplished and rather than letting myself get frustrated about it I decided to take a break.

I thought some activity would be better than trying to take a nap so I took the dog for a walk and then I went shopped for groceries. I could barely make it back in the door I was so tired when I got home again. The clerk at the grocery store asked if I was a senior and I just smiled and said "Not yet." I thought of the young guy in Osoyoos a couple of weeks ago who thought I was the grandmother of the group I was camping with. Guess I look as tired as I feel. I bought some good energy foods today. I haven't been eating much the last few days. No appetite. Not much the last few weeks actually. I lost 8 pounds on vacation and have lost another couple since getting home on Friday. I've force fed myself with good choices but I need more. I generally eat salmon every day for the Omega 3's and I eat as many greens and fruit as I can manage to get down in a day.

I think maybe my thyroid meds need to be increased. They affect my energy level. That angers me actually. The never ending incremental increases. Seems like slow suicide to me. At what point will my body reject the meds completely and I die. Not that I'm adverse to dying sooner rather than later, I just hate the charade of taking meds for my health. Such a contradiction. Guess that's partly why I'm not doing the other meds. The constant tweaking. What a scam.

I'm going to try to find a new GP. I was going to do it today but I ran out of steam when I was in town. I'm going to walk into a couple of offices and see how it feels. I've been told on the phone that if I have a GP in town already that no other doctor will take me on as a new patient. I'm hoping if I walk in that they might consider taking me in. I can't walk in to the clinic where my current GP is without having some major anxiety so I'm hoping a different office can be less taxing on me. I'm also going to make an appointment with a new counsellor at Mental Health. I was going to wait till my counsellor came back in a few months or so but I need to talk to a counsellor about my son before I commit to anything regarding his schooling this upcoming year.

That's about it for today. I'm going to try to get to sleep early tonight and hope tomorrow my energy level improves. While trying to rest a little after dinner I noticed the heart palpitations and rapid breathing has increased again. Seems to increase when I’m tired. It makes resting very difficult. Hard to rest when you are breathing like a race horse in between skipping heart beats. Lack of rest and low energy can be a real trigger for flipping my mood.

I felt the impulse to feel down when the clerk asked about my senior status. I smiled and nodded and pushed away the negative self talk that was stirring up in my head. The lack of energy is always a downer cuz I have things I both need and want to accomplish yet I don’t always have the physical or mental energy to do them. It creates its own stress and feelings of disappointment. I drove home from the grocery store speaking affirmations to myself until I was able to sing a song of praise and thanksgiving. Resisting the urge to beat myself up and feel hopeless.