School Time....

My school days provide me with scores of fond and wonderful memories. From elementary through to high school and on to post secondary, school was always my sanctuary. It was the place I could be that didn't remind me of how sad life was in my home. It was the place where I excelled and had great successes. High school in particular was the time when things became especially difficult at home. I was there alone for the most part in my final year. My dad had moved out, my brother left for university and my sister was with my dad or her boyfriend. My mom was in and out of hospitals more than she was home so it was a pretty lonely place for me to be. When my mom was home I was always on alert because of her addiction to meds and her habit of overdosing. I was in charge of her meds and that meant I had to listen to her nightly begging for more.

At school I could forget about all of that and just enjoy life. I had lots of great friends and was very active in sports, cheer leading, student council, drama and by grade 12 my sewing skills evolved to unfold a passion for fashion design. I was entered into a student design competition and won several awards. My teachers for the most part were gems who cared and gave generously of their time. They were attentive enough to know when I was having trouble at home and they showed compassion and understanding when I needed it the most. I went on to college to earn honour marks in several different disciplines.

Now I am the mother of a 13 year old who has not been so blessed with his school experiences. He went into high school last year and it went from bad to worse. I can't believe the sorry state our schools are in these days. I swear they are using the same sports equipment we used when we played against this school in my high school days some 35 years ago. I doubt the gym floor has been resurfaced since then either. Walk down the halls and you can sometimes smell the distinctive odor of mj and my son can point out all the lockers where the stashes are stored. I've asked some of his buddies about it (one who's older brother is a dealer at the school.... owner of one of the lockers my son pointed out)..... and they all confirm that pot smoking at break times is very common at the school. In the school yard no less. They say the teachers are aware and for the most part they figures the teachers prefer the kids stoned rather than disruptions in their classrooms. Right or wrong about the teacher's being aware, the fact that they think this way is a real concern for me. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.

My son was constantly teased and bullied for his weight or his hair or how much time he spent in the bathroom. He's a big boy and while he could take them out if he wanted to he's been raised by me to not retaliate with physical violence. His dad would suggest differently but I'd over-ride those conversations. When he turned to the counsellor for help he was repeatedly told to just ignore the boys who were teasing and bullying him. No intervention was tried. I had to intervene directly with some of the boys I knew from when they were in elementary school together. Unfortunately it made it worse and my son was very angry with me for that. The teasing then started to include remarks about me. Teasing him because he had a 'granny-mother' referring to my being older than the average mother. He wanted me to promise I wouldn't come into the school again.

Scholastically my son was not achieving. He'd learned how to avoid taking responsibility for learning and figured out early on that the teachers were slow and inept when it came to notifying parents. Notices sent home never made it to me. I requested the school mail them to me but they declined saying it was the student's responsibility. I missed parent teacher meetings, say report cards weeks after they were issued and often only because I'd overheard his buddies mention them. No signature was required so the school was unaware that I hadn't seen any of his progress reports. My son got very good at avoiding work and avoiding me knowing how poorly he was performing.

I'd discipline my son. Cut him off his favourite toys. I'd oversee his homework time and review his work but as it happened what he wrote in his day timer was incomplete so while I thought he'd done all his homework he'd only done a small portion. He didn't write things in the planner that he didn't want to do. He'd write just enough to fool me into thinking he was doing all of his work. By the time I'd catch on that he still had assignments overdue or incomplete it would be too late for the teachers to accept the work. I'd make him do it anyways but it didn't help his marks. I had a couple of meetings with the teachers and could not successfully establish a better communication plan. They signed his planner but they didn't check to see if he'd included everything on the list. 'No time for that.... his responsibility". There was one teacher who used the schools website to post assignments so that course was easy to monitor. My son still managed to miss assignments.... labs that couldn't be done at home but at least I could check on the other work he was responsible for in that class. When I pointed out to the group of teachers how effective the web link was and how it would be great if other teachers did the same since they all had their own school issued laptops, the roar of 'No way...not me!!!' was disturbing. Even the teacher who did use the Internet bowed and shook his head. He was new to the school that year and while he came in all enthusiastic and full of great ideas by the end of the year he had been beaten down by the apathy and all his great ideas had gone up in smoke. Literally.... mj smoke. A couple of the teachers gave me their email addresses but they didn't respond when I tried to initiate contact.

So my son came home with a final report card with F's in 3 core subjects. None of my 'consequences' throughout the year had any impact. He'd lost access to the computer, to game players and TV and it made no difference to his performance at school. He'd learned to manipulate the school and me and he got what he earned. Failing grades and the need to repeat 3 courses. The school's response was the same one that I've heard from elementary on through.... "Your son needs to take responsibility for his own education." I never understood that the first time the elementary school teachers and principal said it to me and I still don't understand it. Who teachers him how to take responsibility if he doesn't want it? Not the school obviously. It's up to me as the parent and clearly I failed cuz he still doesn't get it. I was always left in the dark and when the light did come on it was always too late to matter. He was taken out of French to attend a Learning Assistance Class in the hope he would get the extra help to organize and be accountable for his work. He attended homework clubs at lunch and after school.... when they weren't cancelled because the teacher had something else to do or the senior students didn't show up. Still his work habits didn't improve. Still his back pack was stuffed full of every book and binder for every subject because he was afraid someone would steal them. His locker had been broken into on several occasions and his books were taken to be found later torn up in a garbage bin.

So what's a mother to do? Just send him back for another round of the same old same old? I don't think so. Move to another district in the hopes that it will be better at a different school. That would be my son's preference. Talking to friends and family it would seem the same issues exist everywhere. If the kid isn't self-motivated to learn they are doomed to fail. No matter what school they attend. Can that be true? I've seriously considered moving but I'm not convinced it will make a difference and I really don't have the funds to make the transition. It's still an idea but the clock is ticking..... He'd love it if we could move so that he could attend a school with a football program but there's a good community football league in a town 30 minutes away so we don't need a school program for him to play. Registration is in progress as a matter of fact. He may well get to play football this fall.

What I am seriously considering is to do a combination of an in-school and home based program. I've modified my plan from 'home school only' to one that includes some in-school courses. My plan is to register him for Distributed Learning (on-line with teachers, tutors and virtual classrooms) for the academic subjects and a few addition courses he can't get at the school. At the same time he will attend school for the applied arts.... metal work, wood work and mechanics and for PE classes. He will still be able to participate in school activities, join clubs and play team sports and see his buddies every day.

This feels like a good compromise for me given our circumstances. This way I'll get better and more immediate access to information and be able to effectively monitor his work habits and his progress on a daily basis until he gets his groove happening. He's very capable but easily bored. My job will not be to teach him the subject matter but rather to teach him how to organize his work and to be accountable day by day and hopefully help him find a fire for learning. I will be able to communicate with his teachers any time and get a response to concerns in a timely manner.

My health is the only cloud over this scenario. Questions about whether I'm up to the task or not are real. My only consilation is that if it proves to be too much I can flip it over very quickly. If he is already in school for some classes it won't be difficult to put him back in there full time if and when it might be necessary.

There a still 3 weeks before classes start but I need to firm up plans soon. I've just sent off registration papers for Distributed Learning from a centre recommended to me. When the school opens up the last week in August I will go in there to talk to the counsellor and principal. My request in June for a meeting to discuss a plan for such a combination was never granted so I will try again. I'm looking into the possibilities of moving but that's getting to be a longer shot as each day passes. We could rent out our home here and rent for a while somewhere else to give it a try. Still its a long shot. Cat, dog, garden, work.... all need to factor in to any changes we make to our living arrangements. It will be an interesting few weeks as this dilemma continues to unfold.