Made it through okay....

More productive today amid quite a few breaks just to make sure I didn't overdue one thing or another. Had half a salmon sandwich and a banana for lunch. Went down easier than breakfast but afterwards I felt drained so I layed down for a while until the rapid eye action got too bothersome.

Managed to put in another hour of work after lunch and then the phone rang. I had to suddenly deal with letting my friend down with the costuming job. She was very supportive and understanding but still it was painful to have to let her down. I'm so disappointed with myself. I really should have known my limits better. The project had grown significantly from what I thought I'd signed on to but that's no excuse really.

I was very tired and emotional from the phone call and decided I should take another break rather than try to dive into my work again. I went for a walk with the dog through the forest to the river to offer some tobacco and prayers to Mother Earth and Creator. It was refreshing and freeing so it was helpful.

I am so grateful for supportive friends that help me stay above water. I belong to a couple of on-line support groups made up of folks who deal with similar challenges. It's incredibly valueable to be able to talk to people who really get what's going on cuz they live with it too. I don't have to explain anything to get them to understand the ups and downs of it all. They offer wonderful support, friendship, advice and unconditional acceptance. I have other great friends who, while they don't necessary understand it all they love and accept me just the same. I'm very grateful for them.

I know I am more than my illness and sometimes that is the complex part of the whole think. My moments of clarity and productivity fool me into thinking its just mind over matter. Actually a 'friend' preached that philosophy to me while on vacation. It was painful to listen to cuz for years that was my view. It took a total breakdown to prove me wrong. Another 'friend' preached the need for deliverance from evil spirits. I'd actually been there a few times in my christian life too but again, life has proven that to be way to simplistic an answer. I can't afford to work from those belief systems any more. Been there, done that, ended up sicker.

I'm now accepting that there is more to it than having a strong will or living a good christian life. I have a strong will and I live a very spiritual and servant centred life. There has to be more to it than that. I know I've abused my body over the years. Bad diet, inconsitant exercise, work-aholism, cigarettes, pot, caffine just to name a few of my over indulgences over the years that have contributed to my condition. They may not have caused it directly but they contributed and the cummulative effect is obvious.

So the road to recovery is paved with good quality self care. A new concept for me that I'm now forced to adopt. I'm hoping that by blogging this stuff I'll feel more compelled and accountable to working my way back to a healthy life.

Time to make dinner now and spend some time with my boy.