Need to get a life....

For a few years now I've been living a pretty reclusive life. If not for my son I'd be even more of a shut-in than I am. I work from home so have little reason to leave other than to do errands.

I don't socialize at all.... unless bingo counts. lol. I spent pretty much 80% of my time in my own sanctuary.

I started joining on line communities a couple of years ago. It's been quite the experience. Today I got rejected.... my email banned from I site I'd been invited to join. Don't know what that's about but the reaction from me was not good. It was very upsetting. Being rejected like that was a real shocker and it really shock me up.

I think I need to get off-line and try to get a life of my own happening again. Pretty nervous about the idea. Would like to convince myself instead that I can manage without friendships. I'm so easily hurt with feelings of rejection and abandonment I don't like it when something happens to push those buttons. It can be more comforting in the short term to think I don't need people in my life. Problem is over the long term, historically that has made me pretty sick. Stuck alone with the rambling thoughts and persecptions in my head can be dangerous and distructive.

Not sure what the answer for me is. I can come here and be with myself. Not quite as lonely as my journal. Can image at least the off chance someone reads and maybe, just maybe might take the time to engage in a discussion with me. It hasn't happened yet so I don't hold my breath. And that's okay now because it means I can make this place my own hideaway.... like I need another hideaway.... I guess I can just babble here as though someone trustworthy was listening. Me, myself and I.

Sometimes envy people with multiple personalities.... at least they have a friend they know who sticks with them no matter what. That's not nice of me.... sure people with the challenge wouldn't appreciate my making light of their struggles.

I just don't have enough trust to let myself go the distance to earn real friendships. I have friends. People I care about and who care about me but we don't spend time together. We connect a couple time a year or a decade and then fade away again. Like past lives somedays.

It can go weeks, months between contact with anyone except my son and the neighbours. No one calls me anymore, I don't call anyone anymore. Most days that's how I like it but the odd day.... like today..... it feels kind of lonely. Pretty bad when you have a bad day and you can't think of anyone who might let you cry on their shoulder. Any one who comes to mind has had their fill of me and my emotional roller coaster rides. I try to spare people my junk. Reaching the limit of one's tolerance of me is not an easy thing to bear. I guess I try to protect myself from those scary hurtful things.... rejection and abandonment. So familiar.... so feared.... so avoided.

It's spring time... maybe I can join the garden club.... I'm good with old people and most in the club are 65 plus at least. Not that I'm a young en'.

Maybe get back to spending more time with my hobbies. Less time on-line and more time tending to my flowers or sewing or redecorating the house. Still talking about selling the house and moving. Talk of getting the house ready for market... whether we list it or not. Keeping the options open for a change. I don't want to move but I want to improve my son's school situation and think maybe a larger community would open up some new doors and opportunities for him.

Since this has turned into more like a journal rambling with no real point other than to see myself talk..... I can just leave it there. Need to get some real work down here today and quit thinking so much about being rejected from joining an on-line community.

It hurts though... feels like the ultimate humilation. They don't even like me in cyberspace.... I've got a tarnished reputation on-line..... what an accomplishment. NOT!!!

Going to take some work to settle this down. Lots of voices in my head going 'naynaynaynay.... looser!'

The desires of my heart...... peace and perspective.... are on their way. I need not make sense of this.... not that important.

Thanks for listening to me, self...... felt safe......

Human Rights and the Olympics

Lots of talk going around about boycotting all or part of the Beijing Olympic games.

Given the predicted air quality it might be the most humane thing for the athletes regardless of their position on Tibet.

I hear the Dalia Lama suggesting the games should go on while he threatens to resign if the violence doesn't stop.

I hear the EU considering boycotting the Opening Ceremonies to make a strategic public statement.

I hear the Canadian government say 'its too soon to say'.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm considering a letter campaign to the VIP's.... politicians, sponsors to encourage them to stay away.... to make a statement with their absence at the games. I'm considering including athletes in the mailing. I'm just not sure yet......

I'd intended already to boycott the games. I already boycott Chinese products for the same reason. Human rights, environmental abuses being enough cause to talk with my money. I extend this commitment to American corporations who use Chinese labour and who build and operate factories in China to avoid environmental protection laws at home.

I don't shop Walmart and try to shame anyone I know or see going to Walmart with a lecture on what their dollars are supporting when the shop at Walmart. Aside from the abuse of labour and environment Walmart is responsible for shipping port insecurity. In the interest of making more money Walmart by-passes container security. No ships containing Walmart goods are checked through any kind of security at the ports when they arrive. At home, in the US and Canada Walmart employees are prevented from unionizing. Women are openly discriminated against for promotions. Walmart has no women managers.

I don't shop at any 'big box' store for the same reasons. Superstore and Zellars may not be as guilty as Walmart..... only because they operate on a small scale. But they stock their shelves with plenty of made in China products. And they will continue so long as consumers buy them. "Stop buying them", I say.

I boycott made in China for another important reason. In our tourist shops now most souvenir products are made in China now. Native arts and crafts are 'knocked-of' in China and then sold back to Canadian retailers. Tourists don't always notice. I have artists friends who were hoodwinked into giving up their artistic rights to a piece of carving for a fraction of its value. Seen later as a molded made in China version. I've yet to find anyone who has received any royalties for the original work. Not even any credit as the original artist is given.

To be honest I think this discussion about China and the Olympics is too late. I think it was wrong for China to get the Olympic games in the first place. Now some 10 years later the time is almost at hand for the games to begin and we have this question hanging over our heads. I think the OOC and China should pay a price for that decision. OOC should be publicly embarrassed for having given the games to China. China should be shunned and stuck with a huge deficit to show them capitalism with values. I think a boycott of American sponsors of the games could have an effect but there will never be the will to make it have much of an impact. But that would be the campaign that I would really get on. Even if it meant giving up my precious Diet Pepsi. My guess is that Coke has that contract locked so this wouldn't be necessary. phew!!!

If people could be rallied to talk on mass with their economic power I think we could change the world in lots of good ways. We remain too apathetic. Just think of that poor woman stuck in the Mexican jail for now 2 years. She is suffering terribly from the effects. Major symptoms of mental illness is weakening her at a rapid rate. She's sat there all this time awaiting trial. Meanwhile thousands of people from Canada fly off to Mexico everyday to vacation on their beaches and drink their tequila. What are their thoughts of this woman? Don't they realize the power they have to help her? Imagine if Canada's took a stand and declared 'no travel to Mexico until she is give the fair trial she deserves. They are violating international human rights standards and still our government won't do anything to push the Mexicans to move it along.

Back to the games..... Can we honestly participate in a games that will benefit a regime that is antithetic to our values? One that adds insult to injury with their plans to take the Olympic torch through Tibet. I don't see how I can condone their blatant statements. Some say the Olympic games can serve to share our values but that's just good PR talking. We all went to Berlin and we stood there watching Hitler show his disdain to Jessy without batting an eye. Yea we convinced ourselves Jessy got the last word but that's the rose coloured version. Just as we now try to convince ourselves that going to China helps us spread the values of democracy, free speech and human rights.

I think.... Olympic games aside.... we all need to speak from our own places of power. We can't allow apathy to numb us. Economic power is the most effective in a capitalist world. Economists are very impressed with China saying things like.... 'for a communist country they sure have mastered the art of capitalism.' They are now the super power of our time. They own the US and indirectly the rest of the world as well.

Raising my awareness of my economic power has been a good change for me. It has given me a voice to express my own values. I have significantly reduced my purchasing of 'new' products when ever possible. Flea markets are great places to find any household or garden tool. No need to buy new. When forced to buy new I buy 'made in Canada' if given the option and think twice about if I need it but find no 'made in Canada' option available. I will go without rather than buy from China.

If I do have to buy something new I leave all the packaging at the store. I make a point of leaving it with the check out person not just dumping it in their garbage myself. If they refuse to take it... and its happened to me.... then I ask for my money back and leave the store.

At the grocery store I don't buy any fruits or veggies from the US that is grown in Canada. Potatoes, apples for example.... sometimes there are only Washington potatoes in the store. Nothing from BC. I always make a point of tracking down the manager and asking him loudly for direction to the BC potatoes, apples etc. I make a point of being heard and seen complaining about the lack of BC products and refusing to buy the US product. I bring used plastic bags back to the store to reuse with my new groceries. If they refuse to use them.... and some stores have because they are awkward to put on their rack.... I walk away with my bags and leave them with my groceries on their turn table and never go back.

I put junk mail that doesn't have my name on it in the send mail box when I collect my mail. I won't be responsible for their garbage. I'm expanding my list every day of things I do to reduce my carbon foot print and to support fairness and equality in my world.

I even write to shows like The View and Oprah when they have 'bargain fashion shows'. I remind them the cost of those off-shore manufactured products. I remind them of the cost to human rights and the environment for their bargain dresses and purses. I remind them of how many manufacturing jobs have been lost to the east. How their 'cheap purchases' trickle down to destabilize our nation's own economies. I don't do it for anyone but me. I know they won't hear me but I need to do my part by putting the facts in their hands and them leaving them responsible for their choices from there.

I watched a fashion show the other day.... all organic cotton.... hemp..... green fashion.... what they forget to factor in are the thousands of miles of spent fuel the fabric represents before it even gets to the factory.... the additional thousands of miles of spent fuel getting the goods to consumer around the world from eastern manufacturers.

I'm working to shrink the radius of where I source goods and services. I shop local first and support my local economy and my local producers. It cost me more so I buy less.

I've learned that as the world gets less and less safe and more and more fragile.... I need to strengthen my circle of control and circles of influence by depending more on my community and less on the multi-nationals of the world.

Individual people change the world.... one day at a time.... that's my sense of my own personal power.

50th Anniversary of the Peace Sign....

Just learned that today....

Origins come from combining hand flag symbols for the letters N & D.... 'Nuclear Disarmament'. I didn't know that until now. First seen on a homemade banner in London in 1958 at the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament.

Slipped my 60's education....

Its also the 5th Anniversary of the War in Iraq

I've never tracked the US elections like I am this one. Seems my interest has gradually increased with the last couple of presidents. I never liked Clinton -- either of them... they lack ethics. Nothing trustworthy or honourable about them. Certainly that fiasco with Gore perked my interest.

Mr. 'long face forgettable' was a disappointing challenger to Bush's second term. That was a pretty shameful of the American people. How embarrassing for them!!

I mean once okay.... excuse that he got there illegally.... excuse that he lied about WMDs in Iraq.... but vote him back in?

Scared the be-jeebers out of me. Still won't travel into the US. So much fear down there people are arming their garter belts. New fashion trend has emerged. Nope. Not me. My feet won't cross the border into the US for nothing right now.

What will it do to me if those crazy neighbours of mine put McCain in the chair?

Guess that's what I preparing myself for. Need to be able to understand how it happened if and when it happens.

There is still a long road yet to travel to the day that counts. The drama keeps building. Can the audience sustain an interest? Will the Obama Wave grow or will the winds of change lay his flags flat? Will Hilary be exposed and sent packing before she destroys Obama's calling with her insidious ways? Will she manipulate the super-delegates? Will it matter? Time will tell I guess.

I've this niggle that the economy in the US is being manipulated to position the Republicans as the saviours.... economically American's are far more conservative than liberal. If money gets too tight they will back off from the Democrats and their promises of health care and other social programs won't matter anymore. As Iraq continues to cripple the American economy people are vulnerable to keeping the status-quo.

Day to remember the Peace sign..... 50 years and what have we learned?

Day to remember the start of the Iraq invasion..... 5 years and what have we learned?

War is not Peace. War does not make peace. Peace is a mindset first that becomes a lifestyle with practise.

Practising peace............ today and always.... in my circle of control spiraling into my circles of influence.... one potential conflict at a time... one challenge to my personal peace at a time.

Walk in Peace..... Walk in Beauty

Jesus is the Reason for the Season...... or not...

Did you hear about the Santa's who are banned from saying "HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Turns out the use of the word 'HO' isn't politically correct in some circles. The past few years of all this political correctness have been humourous to watch. "Happy Holiday" signs replacing "Merry Christmas". Reference to Christ are becoming politically incorrect. How bazzaar really.

I finally figured out what does in fact seem incorrect about Christmas and Jesus to me. For a decade or so now I've been puzzling about the purpose of celebrating a pseudo-birthday for Jesus. No matter what time of year. Trying to understand why and what affect it has on people's view of the message has been something I've pondered now and then. The concept of celebrating the event of Christ's birth is disjointed for me. I feel the same about Easter. Capturing moments designed with spiritual intentions and keeping them in earth time seems to somehow miss the mark with me.

Behind my discomfort is a concern that this approach to the 'life and times of Jesus' is too humanizing. It limits the intention of his story. The purpose in his coming. It isn't cohesive with the message set in other cultural backdrops. In order for the story and lessons of Jesus to hold water for me and for it to have lasting substance, the message needs to be visible across all cultures in the context and from the perspective of every culture throughout human history. When one culture dominates and narrows the view of a universal message to the exclusion of other cultures there is a problem. That's when it becomes religion rather than a spiritual lesson, guidepost, cornerstone, awakening or an enlightenment.

From creation to life to transformation to reformation no matter the religion, no matter the culture the stories come from the same source. They are told with the same intention. They are given to enlighten our humanity... to align us with our spiritual dimension. To evolve humanity beyond conflict into harmony. To reach an understanding of timelessness and the co-existence of simultaneous human experiences. To unite and empower unity.

But I digress.....

Humanizing the Messiah of Judeo-Christianity. Missing the awakening of the spirit. Caught in humanness. And let us not forget that the whole thing started with a culture clash. Culture that had been defined by religion. If you think about it.... Jesus was used as an excuse to discriminate against others. He was used by people who had no sense but plenty of fear to create more fear and to inflict pain on others. I think even a humanized Jesus might take issue at having to destroy his neighbours in order to steal their day. I think it would put a cloud over the whole event actually. Not much to celebrate when you think about it.

I actually have come round to really liking the idea of Christmas. As I get older I seem to value family more. Maybe its because I'm a mother and I want my son to have the benefit of close family ties to last him a lifetime. I think an annual time of family gatherings and gift giving and appreciation for life and relationships is a wonderful thing. I just think that they really should leave Jesus out of it.

The truth, the light and the way. The teacher of all that is good and right. The one called to spiritual-ize the world; to re-connect the earth's people to Creator. I don't think reducing the story of Jesus, the message of his time in our space has any useful purpose. In fact as I think about it more the whole idea of a celebration of Jesus' birth at any time of year is actually distasteful. It is exclusionary, elitist and divisive. It's what has reduced spiritual enlightenment to religion. It has made spirituality a destination rather than a dimension.

I think I'm going to overtly take Jesus out of Christmas this year. I think I'll give it back to the community of the world's people who seek to unite with its neighbours, heal family rifts and reach out to others in need. Not because its' Jesus' birthday but because of the spirit that Jesus awoke in humanity for all of time. Every day belongs to Jesus. Everyday he is born again inside the hearts of people who seek spiritual understanding. Everyday that a person aligns their spirit to the Love which is Creator is a day of new birth.

I babble too much..... lol.

Global Changing..... Kids Today.....

Flooded with messages about global warming.... Imaging how it must look through the eyes of a child. To watch Mother Earth's distruction. It seems so emminant. So unbelieveable even. The mother of all problems is the message we and our children are hearing. I never heard such scary messages growing up. Never before has a generation of youth had to face this kind of perspective; this kind of problem. The health of the environment. A sickness that may not be fixable if global solutions aren't implemented soon.

That must be pretty scary for kids. It's pretty scary for me. So many key players dropping the ball and trying to pretend it will magically take care of itself. The impacts and implications are too big for anyone to face. Anyone... being organized bodies like governments and policy makers and business and families. Groups and individuals each with their own influences and responsibilities. Who will make change first and fastest and how can they motivate others.

I'm not very confident in government. If they'd just do their job as policy makers and guard the public good and not do the bidding of business they could take a lead. That's not our current political/economic reality. Government is business. It's all blurred so not much hope government can really do much in the short term. They are part of the problem at this point. It's going to take a rethinking and restructuring of government, redefining its role in serving public interests. They don't do much of that anymore. They don't serve a public they sell a service to customer.

I think the biggest change agents are everyday people. If our junk is a problem than we each need to reduce our junk. At least for starters. Easier said than done but more and more people are doing it and creating new drivers along the way. Seems to me business is responding to consumer demand for products and services that are less harmful to the environment. People talk about carbon footprints. And zero carbons. It's becoming a kind of game for some folks. Donating to environmental projects to 'pay' for their use of carbon emitions when they fly a dirty jet or ride a dirty train or drive a dirty car. Like a catholic 'hale Mary' or something. It's not all bad I suppose if the money they donate actually speeds up replacing those dirty jets with a cleaner flying machine. People won't all stop flying but they can demand a cleaner way. Everyday people have a lot of power when it comes to cleaning up the environment.

I'd like everyone to not buy stuff that is over packaged. That alone would start a domino that could make a huge difference. The emitions to produce all that plastic that may never decay. We are now getting corn based alternatives to plastics. Consumer demand caused that. A market niche opened up when someone heard enough people say they wanting an alternative to plastic.

Same is happening with the fashion industry. Market niches opening up for fashion using sustainable textiles and clean processing. Demand for responsible coffee. Cleaner fuels. Organic, fairtrade are familiar words in the marketplace. Consumer demand is putting green technology on the front burner. Consumer demand is mobilizing creative solutions from the market place. Consumers don't want to give up using stuff so they figure if they can use stuff that isn't 'as' harmful then they will be doing their part.

Maybe its just that we have to ween our way to being better global environmental citizens. Start by cutting back the toxins and maybe we can work our way to cutting back the waste, the gluttony, the indulgences that we have become accustom to consuming.

Will it change people's connections with Mother Earth? Not sure. One can hope but likely not for the masses. Small pockets of people will take it to the next level. For most it will serve as a false sense of security to at least consume 'cleaner' stuff until the next penny drops. It will take more than purchasing power. It will take larger social changes and a reawakening of people's connection with Mother Earth.

That's a romantic notion say the futurists. Back to nature. Spiritual beings having a human experience. Earth the giver of life. A still marginalized perspective on the meaning of life and purpose of our social evolution.

Back to the kids today who live in virtual world's. They see nature as a luxury. As recreational territory. Movies, games, TV, politics, adults programs them to expect the natural world to die. Their world has moved indoors. They have put a curtain on the natural world and they live online; they exist as first person role playing characters of their chosing in the world's of their chosing. They create themselves, their world and they control their every action. They are invincible and powerful and need only to be hooked to the world wide warp-hole to live. Climate change is when you change the temperature on the heater/air-conditioner. Download me Scotty.

Here's a thought.....

Speaking of thinking.... I came to a bit of a realization yesterday. I noticed that as soon as the stress came off from that costuming job I had to turn back a couple of weeks ago that I recovered from the broken place I was in over night. I woke the next day feeling 'normal' and then began almost immediately to second guess the decision that I couldn't do the work. I regretted not just pulling back part way... asking for help rather than quitting it all. I know that by the time I finally started looking and asking for help I was too far gone. No help was enough by then to pull me out of my dispair. This flip flopping of mood/emotion swings has had me thinking about it a lot lately.

I had a wonderful outing yesterday with an old high school buddy. We met for lunch and spend a couple of hours catching up. It was like old times.... the sense of comfort and familiarity was relaxing and easy. We talked some about the journey I've been on of late. She asked me if I cried. She was suggesting it as a release. Something good to do sometimes. I told her that I do cry a lot but not that kind of crying. Mine is in uncontrolable response when I am feeling over stressed. Opening my mouth to say hello can cause tears and sobbing if I'm already feeling stressed. The additional pressure of saying hello or answering a simple question can be just the last drop of energy that overflows the bucket and causes the tears to flow. Anxiety induced tears and blubbering is what I've come to label it. Before I left my last job it had become a real problem. I'd be in a meeting and when it was my turn to talk I'd be restricted because of the spontaneous crying. The subject need not be intense or difficult. It could in fact be very pleasant. Didn't matter the topic. If I was in a state of 'holding on' then just engaging in a conversation would be too much added pressure. Reduce or elliminate the pressure, the anxiety, the stress and I'm as normal as the next guy. Until the next time the bucket over flows from a simple additional stressor of one kind or another.

It always comes back to that. Being controlled by stress. I think I reached some maximum level and now the needle has dropped so low that answering the phone can set off the alarms. Too much and I'm over the top with my emotions and incapable of performing the simplest tasks. Too little and I'm bored and feel liked I'm wasting my life away. How do I find the balance? What does it look like.... feel like.... Some days I think I'm getting there little by little yet other days I think I'm trapped in the extremes.

Another trigger for me is when I've put myself into the position of being 'the one' who can do the job. The 'one' responsible. The 'one' and only person taking care of 'it'. I used to set things up to be the one in charge. I built great teams in my day but looking back I’ve come to see that I never functioned very well as a ‘member’ of the team. I always had to be the leader, the coach or at least the captain of any team I worked with. That's a new realization for me. One I'm giving some thought to right now. I don't ask for help or delegate to others well at all and it means I carry the weight and pressure of everything I do plus everything a team of mine is charged with doing. Where does this attitude and work ethic come from?

Growing up we were taught to do our own jobs. We were judged by our work and I always had to be the best. I always wanted my dad’s good attention. His bad attention could be brutal. Not so much physically but emotionally. He was a bit of a screamer. He’d rip bad work apart and make the worker feel pretty useless. Asking for help was a weakness. Delegating was okay but you were still responsible for the work. My sister’s work was often poor and I paid the price. My brother’s contributions were nil so I had to make up and do his work too so that I didn't get shit when things weren't done on time or the right way... my dad’s way.

So put that into current day and it's no wonder I don't trust anyone to pull any weight. That costuming job could have been managed if I could have trusted others to carry a load. I had a few helpers lined up but I wouldn’t trust them and I knew I couldn't do it alone. I didn't trust them because I don't trust. They were totally trustworthy.... I wasn't trusting. The stress of trusting was sending me over the top. The stress of knowing I couldn’t do it alone put me over the edge. In the end I had to show my true colours.... non functioning.

Growing up nobody accommodated me when I was in a 'bad' mood or when I was feeling sad. “Go to your room if you are going to pout. Take that attitude somewhere else. Quit crying. Cheer up right this minute or......” I'd be sent away, rejected when I wasn't in a happy productive mood. I'd win them back when I'd return with a good performance. They loved my manic type temperament and the stories from childhood about me are usually about times when I was behaving manic of sorts. At my best... Making people laugh.... The life of any gathering or party. And if not for my entertainment value then my skills, my quick thinking and analytical mind. The wise one. The creative one. The clever one. The brave one... The 'most likely to succeed'.

Anyone who knew me growing up or even in later years in social or work situations, they have nothing but wonderful reasons to think I've always had it all. I’m still the one old colleagues call to detangle complex problems in the work place. I’m still the one in the family that people come to for advise and help with their problems. They just ignore the rumours that I’ve had a ‘break down’ and challenge any one who tells stories of me ‘loosing it’ cuz they prefer to believe the façade rather than my reality. They don’t want to hear about me struggling. They still come and they ask for my help and they show me their love and appreciation and for them I’m the same as always. The girl who can do anything you ask her to do. "She's very clever that one."

I've come to realize that I learned very young to strive always to be the best. To work the hardest and to be noticed for my effort and rewarded for the results. My dad's praises or another job promotion. I learned to do the jobs myself so that I could control the outcome and hog the praises. Of course I always played the humble team leader and showered lots of praises back onto my helpers. Many whom would stand in wonder of what it was they did cuz I would always have taken over their work at one point or another. At the end of the day I was giving others credit for my work just to look like a good team player.

My need to be in control of everything transferred into being in charge of every aspect of my life and the lives of everyone around me. No one could do anything for me without me feeling weakened by the suggestion that I needed help. My ex took a 6 month paternity leave when our son was born. Me... I went back to work within 3 weeks of delivery. Waited that long because it was Christmas break and the school was closed. I went right back to work the first possible day because I was indispensable and the place couldn’t run with out me. I’d set it up that way no doubt. Everyday I took my baby with me. I’d set up a nursery next to my office and I picked up a sitter on the way to work. My ex was home this whole time. He’d offered, pleaded and even tried to insist on keeping the baby home with him but I didn’t trust him to care for the baby as well as I could and I didn’t want to burden him with a job I could and should do myself.

That’s just one of a zillion examples of people trying to be a helper and me refusing the help. It was always a question of me showing weakness if I couldn’t do the job myself. Whatever the job might be. Power polishing a car when I was 8 months pregnant just to ensure I pulled my equal weight with chores. Cleaning the house while others played or rested. Building a garden too big for one person to manage but doing it all just the same. The list of big and small examples of me ‘doing it all’ is endless. They are all rooted in my warped sense of obligation to do it all without needing or asking for help. To need no one was a sign of strength and independance.

I’m working on a project right now that has me stalled. It could be resolved with one quick phone call. I resist because the question I need to ask is one I should already know the answer to. Rather than pick up the phone and admit I need help I continue to try to figure it out by myself. The pressure of trying to solve it alone is less than the pressure of the humiliation I would feel admitting I didn’t know.

As it happens this kind of programmed and self imposed pressure is what turns to unmanageable stress overload. What flips the switch on my thought processes. What flips the switch on my emotional responses. It’s what triggered and continues to trigger the collapsing of my physical, emotional and mental abilities. How do I turn this around? How do I convince myself that it is okay to say no to a request of my time or energy or wisdom... how do I convince myself that it is okay to ask for help or accept help when it is offered? The only way out of these pressure spots in the past had been to collapse under the pressure and become totally dysfunctional. It wouldn't be voluntary or contrived but a response to my self imposed over loading. To pull away from the rest of the world and prevent myself from being engaged and thereby committed to doing or behaving appropriately on behalf of someone or some cause outside of myself. To totally disengage in life so that I didn't have any pressures to perform placed upon me. No expectations. Until I’m rejuvenated and ready to impose the pressures back onto myself again.

Except this last time.... I haven’t been able to bounce back this last time. I’m still trapped by my limitations. I’ve hit the wall it would seem. The stress monitor.... the one that tells me I’m in danger zone is just above my head these days. Always lurking... always ready to take me into the downward cycle of hopelessness and despair.

When the stress is off and I’m just doing repetitious tasks with no time pressure then I’m good to go and no one is the wiser about the fragile state of my emotions. Put a timeline on the task and add a few additional elements and I could in the wink of an eye start to shake, panic and cry until my brain is mush and I don’t even remember what the job was that I said I could or would do.

This past week I put off the project with the unanswered question looming. Even though I’m late with that project and it should be my priority I put it aside to do a freebie for a client I thought I’d lost because of my habit of procrastinating. I was so happy when she called for a quote on a new project that I dropped everything, offered the job for free and put all my energy into doing it. I did the job in record time and everyone was happy with the results. So why was it easy for me to do that job while I struggle with others? Why do I have a reserve of energy when it comes to winning someone over, impressing some one but yet I will avoid those who are patiently waiting for me to do what I say I’m going to do? Just like love. I always chase the guy who doesn't want me and when I win him over I wonder what it was I wanted. Always chasing the prize but never satisfied... either with the prize or my qualifying to win. Either the prize is worthless or I'm worthless for winning a worthless prize. On to the next challenge. Hoping that the reward and me will be worthy of the time and effort.

I don’t have the answers to these questions. Not yet anyways. It may or may not be useful to have determined the root of my behaviours. Not sure. I think I’ve observed this before. Knowing why one behaves a certain way can be useful if it can translate into a different consciousness and more functional behaviours. That is yet to be seen. Can I change some of the ways I think about and respond to things enough to balance out my life? Can I function without having to be the best and deliver the best solution all the time at any cost to my physical and mental wellbeing? Can I give up control of something? Anything? Can I learn to ask for help and accept help when it is offered? How does one learn these things when they are 50 something and it’s the only way they know how to think or act? Will I always collapse into nothingness and stay there or can I relearn how to function in the world as one among many rather than one performing for many. It’s a complete turn around that is required here. Sounds vulnerable. Sounds weak and needy. Sounds second class. Sounds risky..... Must quiet that kind of response. It can't be the only way to look at these things..... Somehow I've got to turn the thinking around.... It’s good to need people. People like to help others. It's fun to be a team player..... Yea.... go try those line on some other fool.... I’m still not biting.

Eeks... back to the drawing board. I know.... I think too much.....

Bored of That....

I have a really short attention span. Causes me problems sometimes. Mostly it shows in how I start and stop things that I think are a good idea but then they fizzle.... a sewing or knitting project partly finished, stories partly written, diplomas and degrees not completed, scheduled exercise programs dropped or the simple tracking of my moods forgotten about. Before I'm finished I'm ready to change gears. I get bored... starts to feels like a task.... doesn't go as planned. Enthusiasm gone.

It has always been difficult for me to stick to anything for very long unless I'm really engaged and then I stick like crazy glue until I'm done or I drop. When I focus so intensely I push everything else aside. I don't notice much going on around me. I'm just focused on the challenge and I'm operating in high speed over drive to be the best, do the best and get the best from my effort and performance.

It has impacted how I've parented my son. The lack of routine that comes with 'work binging' makes it challenging to juggle the roles. Sadly my son was introduced to video games early and it served as a baby sitter when I was in 'work mode'. Yet on the other side he'd think it was great when I'd pull him out of school to have our own field trip on impulse.

I seldom considered my best interests when I walked out on a job. Beyond the need to get out of something that felt restricting I gave no thought to the implications. My finances suffered from my impulsive decisions. I lost severance pay and benefits. My savings got eaten up more times than I can count to cover expenses while I transitioned or chased a new project idea or activity.

Teaching at the college was probably the best complement for me. As a sessional instructor I had a lot of independence. I had limited office hours and the whole summer off. That suited me. As far as jobs go.

What I do now suits me best right now. It isn't ideal but it beats the alternatives. I consider getting a 'real job' now and then. When someone brings it up cuz they think I need more structure. I've chosen to downsize my needs rather than have to give up my time to work for any one person or organization for too long. I prefer the freedom to juggle my schedule and involve myself in a wide range of interests.

Procrastination balanced with binging makes for an interesting routine for my life. I know.... I'm fooling myself.... That's not what they mean when they say 'follow a routine'. I know I'm still looking at it from the extremes but it does send flutters of panic up my spin at the thought of putting more structure in my days. I like waking up and having the freedom to shuffle my activities around. I don't want to be locked into a pattern but I know a better balance could be found.

September is around the corner and my son may be doing some courses from home. That will need some better structure in the home to work well. He's joining football and a couple of other activities that will certainly start to bold a pretty solid schedule for him. I'll need to find a compatible schedule for myself or we will both fall back into flipping around doing this or that.... now or then....

Guess I better take this routine thing a little more seriously.