Need to get a life....

For a few years now I've been living a pretty reclusive life. If not for my son I'd be even more of a shut-in than I am. I work from home so have little reason to leave other than to do errands.

I don't socialize at all.... unless bingo counts. lol. I spent pretty much 80% of my time in my own sanctuary.

I started joining on line communities a couple of years ago. It's been quite the experience. Today I got rejected.... my email banned from I site I'd been invited to join. Don't know what that's about but the reaction from me was not good. It was very upsetting. Being rejected like that was a real shocker and it really shock me up.

I think I need to get off-line and try to get a life of my own happening again. Pretty nervous about the idea. Would like to convince myself instead that I can manage without friendships. I'm so easily hurt with feelings of rejection and abandonment I don't like it when something happens to push those buttons. It can be more comforting in the short term to think I don't need people in my life. Problem is over the long term, historically that has made me pretty sick. Stuck alone with the rambling thoughts and persecptions in my head can be dangerous and distructive.

Not sure what the answer for me is. I can come here and be with myself. Not quite as lonely as my journal. Can image at least the off chance someone reads and maybe, just maybe might take the time to engage in a discussion with me. It hasn't happened yet so I don't hold my breath. And that's okay now because it means I can make this place my own hideaway.... like I need another hideaway.... I guess I can just babble here as though someone trustworthy was listening. Me, myself and I.

Sometimes envy people with multiple personalities.... at least they have a friend they know who sticks with them no matter what. That's not nice of me.... sure people with the challenge wouldn't appreciate my making light of their struggles.

I just don't have enough trust to let myself go the distance to earn real friendships. I have friends. People I care about and who care about me but we don't spend time together. We connect a couple time a year or a decade and then fade away again. Like past lives somedays.

It can go weeks, months between contact with anyone except my son and the neighbours. No one calls me anymore, I don't call anyone anymore. Most days that's how I like it but the odd day.... like today..... it feels kind of lonely. Pretty bad when you have a bad day and you can't think of anyone who might let you cry on their shoulder. Any one who comes to mind has had their fill of me and my emotional roller coaster rides. I try to spare people my junk. Reaching the limit of one's tolerance of me is not an easy thing to bear. I guess I try to protect myself from those scary hurtful things.... rejection and abandonment. So familiar.... so feared.... so avoided.

It's spring time... maybe I can join the garden club.... I'm good with old people and most in the club are 65 plus at least. Not that I'm a young en'.

Maybe get back to spending more time with my hobbies. Less time on-line and more time tending to my flowers or sewing or redecorating the house. Still talking about selling the house and moving. Talk of getting the house ready for market... whether we list it or not. Keeping the options open for a change. I don't want to move but I want to improve my son's school situation and think maybe a larger community would open up some new doors and opportunities for him.

Since this has turned into more like a journal rambling with no real point other than to see myself talk..... I can just leave it there. Need to get some real work down here today and quit thinking so much about being rejected from joining an on-line community.

It hurts though... feels like the ultimate humilation. They don't even like me in cyberspace.... I've got a tarnished reputation on-line..... what an accomplishment. NOT!!!

Going to take some work to settle this down. Lots of voices in my head going 'naynaynaynay.... looser!'

The desires of my heart...... peace and perspective.... are on their way. I need not make sense of this.... not that important.

Thanks for listening to me, self...... felt safe......