I'm doing well again today. Good sleep last night. Good appetite today. Great energy level over all. Staying true to my schedule of morning quiet time to centre and affirm myself. High protein diet rich in Omega 3s and low in sugars, caffine and additives. I participate regularly with a couple of on-line groups to give and get additional support, advise and encouragement. I'm getting more exercise and making plans to increase that even more to get myself back in shape again.
I have a couple of really interesting work project getting underway that have me hopeful and energized. All in all I'm in a very good place and making the most of it. Still puzzling and mystifying the way things change from one day to the next. Ready to take on the world one day and ready to hide under the covers the next. There are so many variables that I'm needing to learn how to manage. On days like today they seem very ordinary but tomorrow they could appear massive and cause me to cycle into hopelessness. Can I fix this with behavioural and cognitive changes or will I need to resort to psych meds? That remains to be seen. Time will tell how well I am able to modify my lifestyle to improve my physical and mental health. I am motivated to find alternative meds but it's not an easy road to follow.
Plan to attend a Medicine Wheel ceremony later this month. Give me a chance to connect with some of my Elders again whom I haven't seen for a long time. Hoping they can help me with some medicines I can harvest myself. Maybe some ceremonies I can do as well to help me when I'm struggling. Anything to avoid the psych meds and become another pharmaceutical statistic. Eeks... just the thought of lining my shelf with psych meds raises the anxiety level for me. There has got to be another way. If there is I'm going to find it. That much I know to be true. Stubborn, tenacious, my own worst enemy? Yea... but sometimes that's a good thing. Let's hope it can work for me now.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
School Time....
My school days provide me with scores of fond and wonderful memories. From elementary through to high school and on to post secondary, school was always my sanctuary. It was the place I could be that didn't remind me of how sad life was in my home. It was the place where I excelled and had great successes. High school in particular was the time when things became especially difficult at home. I was there alone for the most part in my final year. My dad had moved out, my brother left for university and my sister was with my dad or her boyfriend. My mom was in and out of hospitals more than she was home so it was a pretty lonely place for me to be. When my mom was home I was always on alert because of her addiction to meds and her habit of overdosing. I was in charge of her meds and that meant I had to listen to her nightly begging for more.
At school I could forget about all of that and just enjoy life. I had lots of great friends and was very active in sports, cheer leading, student council, drama and by grade 12 my sewing skills evolved to unfold a passion for fashion design. I was entered into a student design competition and won several awards. My teachers for the most part were gems who cared and gave generously of their time. They were attentive enough to know when I was having trouble at home and they showed compassion and understanding when I needed it the most. I went on to college to earn honour marks in several different disciplines.
Now I am the mother of a 13 year old who has not been so blessed with his school experiences. He went into high school last year and it went from bad to worse. I can't believe the sorry state our schools are in these days. I swear they are using the same sports equipment we used when we played against this school in my high school days some 35 years ago. I doubt the gym floor has been resurfaced since then either. Walk down the halls and you can sometimes smell the distinctive odor of mj and my son can point out all the lockers where the stashes are stored. I've asked some of his buddies about it (one who's older brother is a dealer at the school.... owner of one of the lockers my son pointed out)..... and they all confirm that pot smoking at break times is very common at the school. In the school yard no less. They say the teachers are aware and for the most part they figures the teachers prefer the kids stoned rather than disruptions in their classrooms. Right or wrong about the teacher's being aware, the fact that they think this way is a real concern for me. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.
My son was constantly teased and bullied for his weight or his hair or how much time he spent in the bathroom. He's a big boy and while he could take them out if he wanted to he's been raised by me to not retaliate with physical violence. His dad would suggest differently but I'd over-ride those conversations. When he turned to the counsellor for help he was repeatedly told to just ignore the boys who were teasing and bullying him. No intervention was tried. I had to intervene directly with some of the boys I knew from when they were in elementary school together. Unfortunately it made it worse and my son was very angry with me for that. The teasing then started to include remarks about me. Teasing him because he had a 'granny-mother' referring to my being older than the average mother. He wanted me to promise I wouldn't come into the school again.
Scholastically my son was not achieving. He'd learned how to avoid taking responsibility for learning and figured out early on that the teachers were slow and inept when it came to notifying parents. Notices sent home never made it to me. I requested the school mail them to me but they declined saying it was the student's responsibility. I missed parent teacher meetings, say report cards weeks after they were issued and often only because I'd overheard his buddies mention them. No signature was required so the school was unaware that I hadn't seen any of his progress reports. My son got very good at avoiding work and avoiding me knowing how poorly he was performing.
I'd discipline my son. Cut him off his favourite toys. I'd oversee his homework time and review his work but as it happened what he wrote in his day timer was incomplete so while I thought he'd done all his homework he'd only done a small portion. He didn't write things in the planner that he didn't want to do. He'd write just enough to fool me into thinking he was doing all of his work. By the time I'd catch on that he still had assignments overdue or incomplete it would be too late for the teachers to accept the work. I'd make him do it anyways but it didn't help his marks. I had a couple of meetings with the teachers and could not successfully establish a better communication plan. They signed his planner but they didn't check to see if he'd included everything on the list. 'No time for that.... his responsibility". There was one teacher who used the schools website to post assignments so that course was easy to monitor. My son still managed to miss assignments.... labs that couldn't be done at home but at least I could check on the other work he was responsible for in that class. When I pointed out to the group of teachers how effective the web link was and how it would be great if other teachers did the same since they all had their own school issued laptops, the roar of 'No way...not me!!!' was disturbing. Even the teacher who did use the Internet bowed and shook his head. He was new to the school that year and while he came in all enthusiastic and full of great ideas by the end of the year he had been beaten down by the apathy and all his great ideas had gone up in smoke. Literally.... mj smoke. A couple of the teachers gave me their email addresses but they didn't respond when I tried to initiate contact.
So my son came home with a final report card with F's in 3 core subjects. None of my 'consequences' throughout the year had any impact. He'd lost access to the computer, to game players and TV and it made no difference to his performance at school. He'd learned to manipulate the school and me and he got what he earned. Failing grades and the need to repeat 3 courses. The school's response was the same one that I've heard from elementary on through.... "Your son needs to take responsibility for his own education." I never understood that the first time the elementary school teachers and principal said it to me and I still don't understand it. Who teachers him how to take responsibility if he doesn't want it? Not the school obviously. It's up to me as the parent and clearly I failed cuz he still doesn't get it. I was always left in the dark and when the light did come on it was always too late to matter. He was taken out of French to attend a Learning Assistance Class in the hope he would get the extra help to organize and be accountable for his work. He attended homework clubs at lunch and after school.... when they weren't cancelled because the teacher had something else to do or the senior students didn't show up. Still his work habits didn't improve. Still his back pack was stuffed full of every book and binder for every subject because he was afraid someone would steal them. His locker had been broken into on several occasions and his books were taken to be found later torn up in a garbage bin.
So what's a mother to do? Just send him back for another round of the same old same old? I don't think so. Move to another district in the hopes that it will be better at a different school. That would be my son's preference. Talking to friends and family it would seem the same issues exist everywhere. If the kid isn't self-motivated to learn they are doomed to fail. No matter what school they attend. Can that be true? I've seriously considered moving but I'm not convinced it will make a difference and I really don't have the funds to make the transition. It's still an idea but the clock is ticking..... He'd love it if we could move so that he could attend a school with a football program but there's a good community football league in a town 30 minutes away so we don't need a school program for him to play. Registration is in progress as a matter of fact. He may well get to play football this fall.
What I am seriously considering is to do a combination of an in-school and home based program. I've modified my plan from 'home school only' to one that includes some in-school courses. My plan is to register him for Distributed Learning (on-line with teachers, tutors and virtual classrooms) for the academic subjects and a few addition courses he can't get at the school. At the same time he will attend school for the applied arts.... metal work, wood work and mechanics and for PE classes. He will still be able to participate in school activities, join clubs and play team sports and see his buddies every day.
This feels like a good compromise for me given our circumstances. This way I'll get better and more immediate access to information and be able to effectively monitor his work habits and his progress on a daily basis until he gets his groove happening. He's very capable but easily bored. My job will not be to teach him the subject matter but rather to teach him how to organize his work and to be accountable day by day and hopefully help him find a fire for learning. I will be able to communicate with his teachers any time and get a response to concerns in a timely manner.
My health is the only cloud over this scenario. Questions about whether I'm up to the task or not are real. My only consilation is that if it proves to be too much I can flip it over very quickly. If he is already in school for some classes it won't be difficult to put him back in there full time if and when it might be necessary.
There a still 3 weeks before classes start but I need to firm up plans soon. I've just sent off registration papers for Distributed Learning from a centre recommended to me. When the school opens up the last week in August I will go in there to talk to the counsellor and principal. My request in June for a meeting to discuss a plan for such a combination was never granted so I will try again. I'm looking into the possibilities of moving but that's getting to be a longer shot as each day passes. We could rent out our home here and rent for a while somewhere else to give it a try. Still its a long shot. Cat, dog, garden, work.... all need to factor in to any changes we make to our living arrangements. It will be an interesting few weeks as this dilemma continues to unfold.
At school I could forget about all of that and just enjoy life. I had lots of great friends and was very active in sports, cheer leading, student council, drama and by grade 12 my sewing skills evolved to unfold a passion for fashion design. I was entered into a student design competition and won several awards. My teachers for the most part were gems who cared and gave generously of their time. They were attentive enough to know when I was having trouble at home and they showed compassion and understanding when I needed it the most. I went on to college to earn honour marks in several different disciplines.
Now I am the mother of a 13 year old who has not been so blessed with his school experiences. He went into high school last year and it went from bad to worse. I can't believe the sorry state our schools are in these days. I swear they are using the same sports equipment we used when we played against this school in my high school days some 35 years ago. I doubt the gym floor has been resurfaced since then either. Walk down the halls and you can sometimes smell the distinctive odor of mj and my son can point out all the lockers where the stashes are stored. I've asked some of his buddies about it (one who's older brother is a dealer at the school.... owner of one of the lockers my son pointed out)..... and they all confirm that pot smoking at break times is very common at the school. In the school yard no less. They say the teachers are aware and for the most part they figures the teachers prefer the kids stoned rather than disruptions in their classrooms. Right or wrong about the teacher's being aware, the fact that they think this way is a real concern for me. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.
My son was constantly teased and bullied for his weight or his hair or how much time he spent in the bathroom. He's a big boy and while he could take them out if he wanted to he's been raised by me to not retaliate with physical violence. His dad would suggest differently but I'd over-ride those conversations. When he turned to the counsellor for help he was repeatedly told to just ignore the boys who were teasing and bullying him. No intervention was tried. I had to intervene directly with some of the boys I knew from when they were in elementary school together. Unfortunately it made it worse and my son was very angry with me for that. The teasing then started to include remarks about me. Teasing him because he had a 'granny-mother' referring to my being older than the average mother. He wanted me to promise I wouldn't come into the school again.
Scholastically my son was not achieving. He'd learned how to avoid taking responsibility for learning and figured out early on that the teachers were slow and inept when it came to notifying parents. Notices sent home never made it to me. I requested the school mail them to me but they declined saying it was the student's responsibility. I missed parent teacher meetings, say report cards weeks after they were issued and often only because I'd overheard his buddies mention them. No signature was required so the school was unaware that I hadn't seen any of his progress reports. My son got very good at avoiding work and avoiding me knowing how poorly he was performing.
I'd discipline my son. Cut him off his favourite toys. I'd oversee his homework time and review his work but as it happened what he wrote in his day timer was incomplete so while I thought he'd done all his homework he'd only done a small portion. He didn't write things in the planner that he didn't want to do. He'd write just enough to fool me into thinking he was doing all of his work. By the time I'd catch on that he still had assignments overdue or incomplete it would be too late for the teachers to accept the work. I'd make him do it anyways but it didn't help his marks. I had a couple of meetings with the teachers and could not successfully establish a better communication plan. They signed his planner but they didn't check to see if he'd included everything on the list. 'No time for that.... his responsibility". There was one teacher who used the schools website to post assignments so that course was easy to monitor. My son still managed to miss assignments.... labs that couldn't be done at home but at least I could check on the other work he was responsible for in that class. When I pointed out to the group of teachers how effective the web link was and how it would be great if other teachers did the same since they all had their own school issued laptops, the roar of 'No way...not me!!!' was disturbing. Even the teacher who did use the Internet bowed and shook his head. He was new to the school that year and while he came in all enthusiastic and full of great ideas by the end of the year he had been beaten down by the apathy and all his great ideas had gone up in smoke. Literally.... mj smoke. A couple of the teachers gave me their email addresses but they didn't respond when I tried to initiate contact.
So my son came home with a final report card with F's in 3 core subjects. None of my 'consequences' throughout the year had any impact. He'd lost access to the computer, to game players and TV and it made no difference to his performance at school. He'd learned to manipulate the school and me and he got what he earned. Failing grades and the need to repeat 3 courses. The school's response was the same one that I've heard from elementary on through.... "Your son needs to take responsibility for his own education." I never understood that the first time the elementary school teachers and principal said it to me and I still don't understand it. Who teachers him how to take responsibility if he doesn't want it? Not the school obviously. It's up to me as the parent and clearly I failed cuz he still doesn't get it. I was always left in the dark and when the light did come on it was always too late to matter. He was taken out of French to attend a Learning Assistance Class in the hope he would get the extra help to organize and be accountable for his work. He attended homework clubs at lunch and after school.... when they weren't cancelled because the teacher had something else to do or the senior students didn't show up. Still his work habits didn't improve. Still his back pack was stuffed full of every book and binder for every subject because he was afraid someone would steal them. His locker had been broken into on several occasions and his books were taken to be found later torn up in a garbage bin.
So what's a mother to do? Just send him back for another round of the same old same old? I don't think so. Move to another district in the hopes that it will be better at a different school. That would be my son's preference. Talking to friends and family it would seem the same issues exist everywhere. If the kid isn't self-motivated to learn they are doomed to fail. No matter what school they attend. Can that be true? I've seriously considered moving but I'm not convinced it will make a difference and I really don't have the funds to make the transition. It's still an idea but the clock is ticking..... He'd love it if we could move so that he could attend a school with a football program but there's a good community football league in a town 30 minutes away so we don't need a school program for him to play. Registration is in progress as a matter of fact. He may well get to play football this fall.
What I am seriously considering is to do a combination of an in-school and home based program. I've modified my plan from 'home school only' to one that includes some in-school courses. My plan is to register him for Distributed Learning (on-line with teachers, tutors and virtual classrooms) for the academic subjects and a few addition courses he can't get at the school. At the same time he will attend school for the applied arts.... metal work, wood work and mechanics and for PE classes. He will still be able to participate in school activities, join clubs and play team sports and see his buddies every day.
This feels like a good compromise for me given our circumstances. This way I'll get better and more immediate access to information and be able to effectively monitor his work habits and his progress on a daily basis until he gets his groove happening. He's very capable but easily bored. My job will not be to teach him the subject matter but rather to teach him how to organize his work and to be accountable day by day and hopefully help him find a fire for learning. I will be able to communicate with his teachers any time and get a response to concerns in a timely manner.
My health is the only cloud over this scenario. Questions about whether I'm up to the task or not are real. My only consilation is that if it proves to be too much I can flip it over very quickly. If he is already in school for some classes it won't be difficult to put him back in there full time if and when it might be necessary.
There a still 3 weeks before classes start but I need to firm up plans soon. I've just sent off registration papers for Distributed Learning from a centre recommended to me. When the school opens up the last week in August I will go in there to talk to the counsellor and principal. My request in June for a meeting to discuss a plan for such a combination was never granted so I will try again. I'm looking into the possibilities of moving but that's getting to be a longer shot as each day passes. We could rent out our home here and rent for a while somewhere else to give it a try. Still its a long shot. Cat, dog, garden, work.... all need to factor in to any changes we make to our living arrangements. It will be an interesting few weeks as this dilemma continues to unfold.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Energized Again....
Well yesterday was one of those days I don't even want to write about. Not worth tracking. Enough to say I slept long and well last night (7 staight hours) and feel much better today. More energy than I've had in weeks. Letting go of the costuming project was a major relief. I'm sorry I wasn't up to it. I'm sorrier still for letting my friends down. I should have known my limits before I signed on. I guess I was wishing and hoping more than I was being real about what is and isn't possible for me right now. I'm so grateful to another friend who supported me to acknowledge my limits and find an alternative for completing the project.
Just taking a break from a busy chore day. Lots of yard and garden work to do including cleaning up the seadoo so that we can sell it. Plan to go for a couple days of camping in the forest next week so need to get the gear together for that as well. I'm looking forward to getting somewhere that a fire is permitted. Might be too late in the season for that but we've had quite a bit of rain so it might still be okay. I haven't checked yet. Either way some hiking and maybe some fishing could be on the agenda. This time we get to take the dog with us so I'm looking forward to that.
We enjoyed another summer of fun with the seadoo but its time to let it go. We purchased it when our son was small. It was great fun flipping him and all the other little kids around for tube rides. They are all big now and they want to flip the seadoo itself around rather than ride behind on the tube or kneeboard. My son is still too young to be legal so its just a big tease for him and his friends. While on vacation I did let my son ride it before and after the boats filled the lake. He had a great time spinning around in donuts and zipping back and forth again and again. He'd put on quite a show for the beach crowd but always I'd be watching and praying all would be well and that no one would see fit to report us. We only used it for the 2 weeks each year we went camping on the lake. Otherwise it was chained up under a tarp in the backyard. We've had it since 2000 and only put about 100 hours on it. Hoping to get enough out of it to put a new roof on my house this fall. Seems like a good trade. lol.
All in all I'm doing very well today. I've got good energy and am in good spirits. I've lost another couple of pounds which worries me a bit but I seem to have an appetite today so I will make the most of it. I couldn't even stomach chocolate the last little while which for me is very unusual. I'm a true chocoholic and generally have at least one good feed or more a day. Only the best of course. Good quality swiss chocolate. Lint Lindor being my favourite. Speaking of addictions I'm seriously trying to quit my addiction to Diet Pepsi. I know in the quantities that I drink it that it is poison to me and its time I admitted it and cut it out.... again. I don't drink coffee or tea but I drink Diet Pepsi all day. No wonder I have a thyroid problem and sleeping problem with the amount of caffine I consume between the chocolate and the pop. Eeks... it's not going to be easy but it must be done. Bye bye diet pepsi.... hello V8 and green tea. And more water. I don't drink near enough water. I can feel the withdrawal headaches already and I haven't been 24 hours without a drink yet. They will pass.
I almost went looking for some pot yesterday cuz it always gives me an appetite. But it messes up other things for me too so it's not a good choice. Fortunately no one was home.... phew.... that was close. lol.
Break time is over but I'll be back later to muse on my dilemma about how to school my son this fall.
Just taking a break from a busy chore day. Lots of yard and garden work to do including cleaning up the seadoo so that we can sell it. Plan to go for a couple days of camping in the forest next week so need to get the gear together for that as well. I'm looking forward to getting somewhere that a fire is permitted. Might be too late in the season for that but we've had quite a bit of rain so it might still be okay. I haven't checked yet. Either way some hiking and maybe some fishing could be on the agenda. This time we get to take the dog with us so I'm looking forward to that.
We enjoyed another summer of fun with the seadoo but its time to let it go. We purchased it when our son was small. It was great fun flipping him and all the other little kids around for tube rides. They are all big now and they want to flip the seadoo itself around rather than ride behind on the tube or kneeboard. My son is still too young to be legal so its just a big tease for him and his friends. While on vacation I did let my son ride it before and after the boats filled the lake. He had a great time spinning around in donuts and zipping back and forth again and again. He'd put on quite a show for the beach crowd but always I'd be watching and praying all would be well and that no one would see fit to report us. We only used it for the 2 weeks each year we went camping on the lake. Otherwise it was chained up under a tarp in the backyard. We've had it since 2000 and only put about 100 hours on it. Hoping to get enough out of it to put a new roof on my house this fall. Seems like a good trade. lol.
All in all I'm doing very well today. I've got good energy and am in good spirits. I've lost another couple of pounds which worries me a bit but I seem to have an appetite today so I will make the most of it. I couldn't even stomach chocolate the last little while which for me is very unusual. I'm a true chocoholic and generally have at least one good feed or more a day. Only the best of course. Good quality swiss chocolate. Lint Lindor being my favourite. Speaking of addictions I'm seriously trying to quit my addiction to Diet Pepsi. I know in the quantities that I drink it that it is poison to me and its time I admitted it and cut it out.... again. I don't drink coffee or tea but I drink Diet Pepsi all day. No wonder I have a thyroid problem and sleeping problem with the amount of caffine I consume between the chocolate and the pop. Eeks... it's not going to be easy but it must be done. Bye bye diet pepsi.... hello V8 and green tea. And more water. I don't drink near enough water. I can feel the withdrawal headaches already and I haven't been 24 hours without a drink yet. They will pass.
I almost went looking for some pot yesterday cuz it always gives me an appetite. But it messes up other things for me too so it's not a good choice. Fortunately no one was home.... phew.... that was close. lol.
Break time is over but I'll be back later to muse on my dilemma about how to school my son this fall.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Dinner and a movie....
My son has asked if I can take him out for dinner and a movie and while I'm not feeling totally up for it I feel I owe him some time to make up for the last couple of days of roller coaster meltdowns. He's cleared all the chores I put on his workboard for this week... just today without waiting for me to nag him he cut the grass, washed the truck, cleaned the kitchen and put away laundry so I guess he's earned some fun time. Best get myself moving here.
Made it through okay....
More productive today amid quite a few breaks just to make sure I didn't overdue one thing or another. Had half a salmon sandwich and a banana for lunch. Went down easier than breakfast but afterwards I felt drained so I layed down for a while until the rapid eye action got too bothersome.
Managed to put in another hour of work after lunch and then the phone rang. I had to suddenly deal with letting my friend down with the costuming job. She was very supportive and understanding but still it was painful to have to let her down. I'm so disappointed with myself. I really should have known my limits better. The project had grown significantly from what I thought I'd signed on to but that's no excuse really.
I was very tired and emotional from the phone call and decided I should take another break rather than try to dive into my work again. I went for a walk with the dog through the forest to the river to offer some tobacco and prayers to Mother Earth and Creator. It was refreshing and freeing so it was helpful.
I am so grateful for supportive friends that help me stay above water. I belong to a couple of on-line support groups made up of folks who deal with similar challenges. It's incredibly valueable to be able to talk to people who really get what's going on cuz they live with it too. I don't have to explain anything to get them to understand the ups and downs of it all. They offer wonderful support, friendship, advice and unconditional acceptance. I have other great friends who, while they don't necessary understand it all they love and accept me just the same. I'm very grateful for them.
I know I am more than my illness and sometimes that is the complex part of the whole think. My moments of clarity and productivity fool me into thinking its just mind over matter. Actually a 'friend' preached that philosophy to me while on vacation. It was painful to listen to cuz for years that was my view. It took a total breakdown to prove me wrong. Another 'friend' preached the need for deliverance from evil spirits. I'd actually been there a few times in my christian life too but again, life has proven that to be way to simplistic an answer. I can't afford to work from those belief systems any more. Been there, done that, ended up sicker.
I'm now accepting that there is more to it than having a strong will or living a good christian life. I have a strong will and I live a very spiritual and servant centred life. There has to be more to it than that. I know I've abused my body over the years. Bad diet, inconsitant exercise, work-aholism, cigarettes, pot, caffine just to name a few of my over indulgences over the years that have contributed to my condition. They may not have caused it directly but they contributed and the cummulative effect is obvious.
So the road to recovery is paved with good quality self care. A new concept for me that I'm now forced to adopt. I'm hoping that by blogging this stuff I'll feel more compelled and accountable to working my way back to a healthy life.
Time to make dinner now and spend some time with my boy.
Managed to put in another hour of work after lunch and then the phone rang. I had to suddenly deal with letting my friend down with the costuming job. She was very supportive and understanding but still it was painful to have to let her down. I'm so disappointed with myself. I really should have known my limits better. The project had grown significantly from what I thought I'd signed on to but that's no excuse really.
I was very tired and emotional from the phone call and decided I should take another break rather than try to dive into my work again. I went for a walk with the dog through the forest to the river to offer some tobacco and prayers to Mother Earth and Creator. It was refreshing and freeing so it was helpful.
I am so grateful for supportive friends that help me stay above water. I belong to a couple of on-line support groups made up of folks who deal with similar challenges. It's incredibly valueable to be able to talk to people who really get what's going on cuz they live with it too. I don't have to explain anything to get them to understand the ups and downs of it all. They offer wonderful support, friendship, advice and unconditional acceptance. I have other great friends who, while they don't necessary understand it all they love and accept me just the same. I'm very grateful for them.
I know I am more than my illness and sometimes that is the complex part of the whole think. My moments of clarity and productivity fool me into thinking its just mind over matter. Actually a 'friend' preached that philosophy to me while on vacation. It was painful to listen to cuz for years that was my view. It took a total breakdown to prove me wrong. Another 'friend' preached the need for deliverance from evil spirits. I'd actually been there a few times in my christian life too but again, life has proven that to be way to simplistic an answer. I can't afford to work from those belief systems any more. Been there, done that, ended up sicker.
I'm now accepting that there is more to it than having a strong will or living a good christian life. I have a strong will and I live a very spiritual and servant centred life. There has to be more to it than that. I know I've abused my body over the years. Bad diet, inconsitant exercise, work-aholism, cigarettes, pot, caffine just to name a few of my over indulgences over the years that have contributed to my condition. They may not have caused it directly but they contributed and the cummulative effect is obvious.
So the road to recovery is paved with good quality self care. A new concept for me that I'm now forced to adopt. I'm hoping that by blogging this stuff I'll feel more compelled and accountable to working my way back to a healthy life.
Time to make dinner now and spend some time with my boy.
Better Sleep.... good start....
A friend called last night and agreed in prayer that I would get 6 straight hours of sleep and that's exactly what I got with only 2 hours of tossing before falling off to sleep. What a relief not to have gone through another night of struggling. I'd smudged the room with sage and lavendar before hand so that may have helped as well.
I'm still pretty drained physically today but I feel like I'm off to a better start. Emotionally I'm feeling pretty level so that's good too. I had a nice quiet time this morning and I even did some stretching exercises and played with the dog for a while to get my body moving and the blood pumping. Had a small breakfast of juice, banana and whole grain toast. Took a bit of work to get it down but I'm sure it will help provide a boost for the morning. I checked my weight and I haven't lost any more for a couple of days now so that's a good thing too.
Time to get into my office and see how far this refreshment can take me today. I'm optomistic. That's a good sign.
I'm still pretty drained physically today but I feel like I'm off to a better start. Emotionally I'm feeling pretty level so that's good too. I had a nice quiet time this morning and I even did some stretching exercises and played with the dog for a while to get my body moving and the blood pumping. Had a small breakfast of juice, banana and whole grain toast. Took a bit of work to get it down but I'm sure it will help provide a boost for the morning. I checked my weight and I haven't lost any more for a couple of days now so that's a good thing too.
Time to get into my office and see how far this refreshment can take me today. I'm optomistic. That's a good sign.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Later still....
I managed to put in an hour of work before my brain went to mush and I had to lay down for a while. Had a high protien dinner with a banana for desert. Took me a while to get it down. I was so drained from cooking I had to wait a while before I could eat it.
I'm very testy with my son. Snapping at him, blaming him for things that he didn't do and then apologizing and trying again to stay in control and calm. I'm so easily frustrated and exhausted from doing the smallest of tasks or carry the simpliest of conversations. Yuk... don't like where this is going. I must get some sleep tonight.
Not sure if I noted this or not yet but I made an appointment with a counsellor for next week. Haven't connected with a new GP yet but will get to that tomorrow. I called a couple of friends who might be able to help me out with the costuming project. I'm not sure that will be enough cuz I can't even think to explain to them what needs to be done without getting flustered and upset. Hoping some sleep will bring me back to level and I can make sense of it all tomorrow.
I'm very testy with my son. Snapping at him, blaming him for things that he didn't do and then apologizing and trying again to stay in control and calm. I'm so easily frustrated and exhausted from doing the smallest of tasks or carry the simpliest of conversations. Yuk... don't like where this is going. I must get some sleep tonight.
Not sure if I noted this or not yet but I made an appointment with a counsellor for next week. Haven't connected with a new GP yet but will get to that tomorrow. I called a couple of friends who might be able to help me out with the costuming project. I'm not sure that will be enough cuz I can't even think to explain to them what needs to be done without getting flustered and upset. Hoping some sleep will bring me back to level and I can make sense of it all tomorrow.
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